BLEACHED - SEARCHING THROUGH THE PAST

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Published in BEAT magazine (aka my fav)

My name is Maddy. I’m a dog. I live in LA. I’m really into music and fashion. I have a blog (which is how I got to Beat), but right now I’m working on a screenplay. I’m basically a furry, four-legged mix of Diablo Cody and Andre Leon Talley. Werk.

OK. If you’re cool and caught up with what’s hot right now, let’s play word association! I’m throwing you the key clues: “Babes” and “Fukin-A-awesome.” If you’re as with it as you say you are, you best have busted out “BLEACHED”. Sisters Jennifer and Jesse Clavin are slaying it these days with their awesome garage punk sound and a full length album, Ride Your Heart , is coming out next month. I basically want to go to bed and get woken up in April. When I found out that I was getting the opportunity to hang out with the Clavin sisters for a whole day, I was simply elated. Being punk is about doing whatever you like and dressing however you want to and ever since I saw that Spring/Summer ‘13 is trying to slap us with floral print coolats masquerading as Bermuda Shorts and “peekaboo pieces” (dresses with with pieces cut out that look like they were the main course at an all-you-can-eat-if-you’re-a-moth buffet), I’ve been saying “hey high fashion: up yours and NO WAY.” Check me out, I’m getting more and more punk every day! Jennifer and Jesse are true California girls, who had their beginnings growing up in the Valley, so I thought what better way to spend the day then taking a mini staycation vacation cruising some of  THEIR favorite spots in LA!

ET Mountain Park

First stop on our trip around LA was in the Valley, to the park across the street from the house Jennifer and Jesse grew up in, which just so happens to be a major location in the movie E.T.! I decided to celebrate my innermost extra terrestrial self by dressing up as the classic “E.T. On Halloween” costume: a clean white sheet with two eye cut outs. Not to pat my method acting self on the back, but I kind of have a few words for Steven Speilberg: “Next time you wanna phone home, think about phoning Maddy.”

I really loved being in the Valley, cause Jesse and Jennifer are self professed Valley Girls. When I asked them how they would describe a girl from the Valley, they said:

Jennifer: We say things like “I feel like” or “oh cool” or “like, like” and you don’t realiese it until someone else points it out.

Jesse: There’s also like a laziness when you talk. We know this because people have explained it to us. You reaaaaally draaaag out your words.”

Posers

OK the name of this clothing shop is totally filled with irony because this place is for real punk, and there are Doc Martens as far as the eye can see. Jennifer and Jesse brought me there specifically to drool over the new Agy Creeper shoes designed by model Agyness Deyn. To my delight, Posers employed a salesgirl with a really bad attitude and a huge mohawk. Of course I was totally terrified of her but also loved her because she totally reminded me of this girl in junior high school who was really mean to me but was also my best friend. I’m thinking I may go back another day to window shop and to have her never acknowledge me. It’s this new thing that I’ve been wanting to do ever since I started feeling kind of famous-y.

Guitar Center

In front of Guitar Center in Hollywood they have all these musician’s hand prints and signatures set in cement. I put my paws in with the girls’ hands right smack on top of Motley Crue! Bleached are huge fans of Motley Crue. Personally, I’m a huge fan of “Dr. Feelgood” but I don’t want to go into details of the damage done to my Dell computer after a no good ex-boo of mine tried to download some home movies of Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee. Let’s just say I’ve been a strict Mac girl ever since 2003.

Oki Dog

Oki Dog was a famous punk hang out in the 70s and 80s made somewhat infamous by The Germs lead singer Darby Crash’s famous last words (on his last live album, recorded three days before he died), where he yells “See you all at Oki Dogs.” Full disclosure: we actually weren’t allowed inside of Oki Dogs, but that’s totally fine because this article is a lifestyle thing, not a food thing. Which is good news for Oki Dogs because I don’t think they would want to hear my gastronomical review of their famous Oki Dog (chili, cheese, pastrami and two hot dogs wrapped in a flour tortilla). Ick. Sounds like a recipe commemorating 4/20 made by a stoned-out-of-his-gourd Guy Fieri. Fun Fact: One day while Jennifer was standing outside Oki Dog with her best friend, they suddenly saw this old woman who had randomly run out of the Country Villa Wilshire Health Care Centre across the street and her friend was like, “Oh my God… That’s my Grandmother.”

HOLLYWOOD FOREVER CEMETERY

So if someone was ever like, “I wish you were dead” I’d be like, “I wish I was too,”  if I could be at the Hollywood Forever Cemetary.” Sorry for the morbid turn, but

1. It’s inevitable. We’re talking about a cemetery

2. The Hollywood Forever Cemetery is so not freaky it’s scary.

Seriously you guys, it’s a good thing that when it comes to the Clavin sisters “wherever they go, I will follow” ‘cause there basically isn’t anyone else on earth who could convince me to go to a cemetery, but at this point I am so in friend love with Jesse and Jennifer they could have said “let’s go join a cult” and I would have been like “how much money do I pony up and can we please be sister wives if I join it?” So we went to go find Johnny Ramone’s monument, which was super beautiful, and made me totally miss him. Then we stumbled upon the most amazing, surprising buried treasure (pun intended): Toto from The Wizard of Oz was totally tucked away in a peaceful corner of the cemetery! Now I can honestly say “I have stepped on Fay Wray.”

LA Eyeworks

So this is where the sisters Clavin brought me after about the 1,000th time I said “those glasses, your glasses, or wherever did you get them?” LA Eyeworks is a total Los Angeles staple and totally punk in the sense that they are worn by those who totally march to the beat of their own drummers. Their serious specs have such mesmerising monikers as “Ham Pants” and “The Sontag”; it’s no mystery why such high profile personalities like Pee Wee Herman and Jodi Foster are looking to LA Eyeworks to set their sights straight. Never in my life have I so desperately wanted to be rid of my 20/20 vision. Seriously, I’m all over these shades to protect my powers of perception. They got me looking so good, if Ryan Gosling ever runs into me he’ll probably pop the question.

Hugo’s Tacos

So Jennifer wanted to take me to Hugo’s ‘cause they have the best vegan soft-serve ice cream that’s practically sugar free. At first I freaked that Jen was trying to tell me something she thought I didn’t already know (I’ve put on a little bacon weight lately, sue me), but then I found out she feels crazy on the sugar. Full disclosure: Jennifer Clavin is so nice she let me a have a lick of her ice cream, which I would have never let her do if it was my cone because I think sharing ice cream is totally creepy. We’re barely two hours into our day, and I’ll already admit that the Bleached girls might be better people than me!

Hollywood Sign

Nothing in Los Angeles is more iconic than the Hollywood sign, so of course when it came to spots in LA, this one was so obvi. Since we were doing such a touristy thing that was so fun and not your typical “look at me, I’m cool” move, I decided to ask Jesse and Jennifer about another not terribly cool but totally fun thing: Celebrity Sightings! Now, I’m a fashionable dog, so of course I’m not going to go and ask for an autograph or stare, BUT sometimes it’s fun to drop your cool and talk about brushes with celebrity! I’ll go first: one time, Q-Tip from A Tribe Called Quest, told me that I had beautiful energy. Here are some highlights:

Jesse & Jennifer: We saw Pierce Brosnan on the street of New York. And we were like, Mrs. Doubtfire!

Jennifer: When I was a kid, one of my best friends from elementary school used to live next door to Elvira so me and my friend would go swimming in her pool, and her pool was shaped like a heart and there was a cave attached to it, and she was actually, like, the most beautiful lady I’d ever seen. She was a redhead and so pale and wearing the coolest bathing suit. And she sold her house to Brad Pitt so we would go trick or treating but we never got to the door - he just buzzed it.

Jesse: I met George Burns because they were trying to set our grandma Dot up with him. Our mom’s friend was his caretaker/personal assistant and they got set up on a date. I remember going into his office. I remember him walking down the staircase and he was really old and fragile.

Jesse: You know who I saw at Whole Foods the other day? One of the Hobbits. The one who had to sing that song during that scene where there’s a big war scene and he’s singing that song to the guy eating the chicken?

I have no idea who that Hobbit is but right now I am so like wishing that my last name was Clavin!

Amoeba Music

Fo’ sho the biggest record store in LA. They do in-stores so bands play there to get seen and heard. And guessss whaaaaat? Bleached is playing there in the Spring! Jesse used to work in the warehouse. Oh, and while we’re on the topic of music, Bleached has a favourite new band, their new friends and former tour mates, Veronica Falls, (“They are SO good. They’re REALLY good.”). Other favorite bands the girls listed as favorites: Siouxise and the Banshees, The Cure, Gunclub and The Kinks. Honestly, at this point, we have so much in common I’m starting to have trouble seeing where I end and the Clavin sisters begin. 

Mulholland Drive

When you hear “Mulholland drive”, you probably think of Naomi Watts and Laura Harring kissing, but when I hear Mulholland Drive, I think of the long winding road that goes from Beverly Hills to Hollywood (and Naomi Watts and Laura Harring kissing). Jennifer told me, “When we were younger our dad would drive us home from LA to the Valley and he would take Mulholland and he would drive so fast that we would be, like, flying. We’d be in the air.” It’s no joke. I’m not really the kind of dog that gets too much anxiety, but going down Mulholland at anything even slightly over the speed limit makes me need to take some extra Herbal Rescue Remedy.

House of Intuition

This place in Echo Park specialises in tarot reading, aura reading, past lives, clairvoyant readings, chakra balancing and reiki healing, among many other things. Jesse is the one that totally digs this place, but I didn’t ask her why because I was trying to see if I could tap into my own powers of intuition. In the 80s everyone had a dealer, but in 2013, if you live in LA, you most likely have a healer. They also sell crystals and sage sticks which you can burn in your home to clear out bad energy, which works especially well on the days when I want to show my Boo that I’m annoyed with him and would rather not talk about things but deal with them very passive aggressively. Oops, I meant to say spiritually. Bad on me!

In & Out Burger

Some important bullet points about IN & OUT

• It’s this epic fast food burger chain that is so totally California (I think you can only get it here and in four other states).

• The sole heiress to the In & Out fortune is a 30-year-old competitive drag racer named Lynssi Torres, who is currently married to husband #3 (and I will support any company led by a person who should be the inspiration for a Tina Fey or Amy Poehler movie)

• Ask for fries Animal Style: two slices of melted cheese, thousand island dressing and grilled onions on top (it’s not listed on the menu)

• They don’t have any horse in their meat, which by European standards, I hear is pretty sweet (too soon?)

When the day came to an end, I found myself actually feeling sad. Ever since our epic Los Angles road trip, I might just use Bleached’s own words and say “I’ve been dreaming about the facts/ wishing more time could pass…”  I hope that Jesse and Jennifer won’t tell me I’m crazy. 

Bleached Video  - HERE

GO OBAMA

I love Obama despite the fact that he will never pass a law allowing me to marry Ryan Gosling (tho many conservatives may believe otherwise)!

HAPPY HALLOWWWWEEEEN

PATTY SCHEMEL - HIT SO HARD

Last week I was ever so lucky enough to sit down with my dear friend and dog lover, Patty Schemel. We first met way back in 1995 at the Z100 Jingle Bell Ball at Madison Square Garden while she was killing it as the hard hitting drummer for one of my most fave bands ever: HOLE! I’ve been on a British kick lately and wildly enough, Patty is headed across the pond this week to promote her new documentary “Hit So Hard: The Life & Near Death Story of Patty Schemel.” We sat down for an authentic UK style High Tea and a quick chat!

E-llo Pa-Ey! Let’s start with a real Britt-y question right away! Lets pretend we got locked up in Tower of London. What crime would we have committed and how would we pass the time away?

Public urination which is legal for a dog but I discovered its NOT legal for humans.  We would nap, eat shepards pie, fish and chips, drink orangina, and watch Benny Hill and Lip Service.

I feel really sad about the whole Kate Middleton breast exposure fiasco. I’m collecting celebrity haikus to send to her, could you please compose one?

I’m no poet. Sorry. 

Wow! That was very anti-establishment of you. I like it.

Just talking hypothetically, but if you were Ryan Gosling and you wanted to ditch that Eva Mendes person, for say, ME, what would you tell Ms. Mendes I have that she doesn’t?

Duh. Fur. 

My favorite clothing item from the 90’s that I would never wear now was a tight baby doll dress with a huge slit down the back that was sewn up with safety pins and tiny buttons that had the “Spam” logo on them… What was yours?

First of all why wouldn’t you wear that dress.  I wore Flannels with cut off sleeves and converse high tops. I would also wear boxer shorts. Disgusting. Levis chords. There were some shant moments. Short pants. Shants. The wool hat everyone wore. And whatever glasses you could get at the gas station for 8 bucks. Nothing special. Anyway…..Also long sleeve shirts cause you don’t want your arms to show. 

I love that you are an open lesbian, and you used to have a dog walking company. You don’t at all have to answer this, but did the end of that business have anything to do with pressure from your Sapphic sisters to pursue a line of work that was decidedly more feline and less k-9 or is that whole thing a stereotype? My follow up question to this topic is: “do you know Ellen?”

I see the connection that you are making and but the ending of my dog company happened because of my baby. An actual human baby. I am not a cat person in any way. I have met Ellen and I don’t know if she is a cat person. Cats are fine they are just not my thing. But if you are talking Pussy thats a whole other story.

Ok, so if you could assemble a dream band with any persons living or not, who would be in your band and why? Also, could I play the guiro in it? Also, could the guiro be painted to look like a colorful fish?

Yes you could play that. My dream band would have Boy George. Robert Plant. Patti Smith. David Bowie. And Cat Power. 

Ok, but seriously, let’s have a 90’s inspired side project. Can you please describe?

Maddy….We would have Long hair. Drug problems. Distorted guitars. 

Oh, Pa-Ey! Good on ya for havin’ a such a grand chat with me today! Have so much fun in London and remember that over that side “fanny” is “lady bits,” not a word that is used to describe a dorky waist pack. Pip-Pop to you and good day! 

CAMBRIDGE 9.21.12

Arts Picturehouse

DUBLIN 10.21.12
Light House Cinema

GLASGOW 10.21.12
Glasgow Film Theatre

LONDON 10.16.12
ICA London

BRIGHTON 11.24.12
Picturehouse

Kate Middies & Mr. Marc Jacobs

Ok, ladies, if you are with me, you need to take a moment this afternoon and stand topless to show your solidarity for the future queen a.k.a My Most Favorite Living Princess, a.k.a The Duchess of Cambridge, a.k.a. The One And Only Kate Middleton.

Trust me, it wasn’t easy taking off this Marc Jacobs top (it’s so light, if the label didn’t say otherwise, I’d swear it was made of one single feather), but with support from my Boo, I rocked out with my top out, and it felt absolutely regal. 

The slogan for my campaign to stop intrusive paparazzi is 

"I’m Bustin’ Out These Titties ‘To Stand With Future Queen Kate Middies!"

SHIRLEY KURATA - STYLIST

Hey Shirley! Thanks for taking the time out to stop and smell the daisies with me. Kudos to you for being my most visionary celeb guest yet! Our shoot was so beautifully styled, thanks to you! What kinds of things, people or k-9’s inspire you?

Creative, risk taking, unique people and critters inspire me, especially the ones who love to stop and smell the daisies. 

Were you inspired to put a beautiful garland on the top of my head in order to take attention away from the beard on the bottom of my face?

Au contraire  The garland was put to complement the lovely facial hair you have. 

So you told me that you were into Daisies because they reminded you of the Czech film of the same name directed by Věra Chytilová in which two girls go on a destructive prank spree. I’m not really into destruction, so let’s say that we went on a PG prank spree: what’s one prank you’d want to do with me?

Well I’d love to go on a Thelma and Louise style californian road trip with you in a british car (with the drivers side on the right ) and put a fake steering wheel in front of you so that people will think you are driving the car.  

Do you mind doing this MadLibs with me?

Shirley and Maddy sat (  Pensively  ) on a  bed of white daisies. They day dreamed of ( mods    ) and (  rockers    ) until a ( Extra-terrestrial ) swooped down and covered them with ( Reeses pieces  ), forcing them to go to (the Prada store  ) to buy new clothes.

I love that daisies are the flower of innocence. If say, someone like Ryan Gosling wanted to take my metaphorical daisy away from me, how do you think he would woo me?

He would say you are Harold and he’s Maude and would like to take you for a drive. 

Ok, so, it’s undeniable, the smell of politics is in the air… Do you think that these headbands would be a cute accessory for someone who was theoretically thinking about maybe trying to possibly sneak into something like oh, I have no idea, say one of George Clooney’s Obama Fundraiser parties? Just hypothesizing here… If not that particular event, then what other occasions would befit such fun accessorizing?

Yes, Obama fundraisers, dance parties, Bunkminster Fuller fan club meetings, a walk in the park, basically any fun activity where you want to look smart!

I heard that you keep two cats in your house. .  . Not to be judgemental, but wassup wit that? Seriously…

Sadly I don’t have a yard for canines to roam around in and parade in their fashion finds,  otherwise I would totally have one! And my cats like to dress up like you, you guys would have a lot to talk about!

*****

Hair pieces by one of my NEW favorites -  Ban.do.

More Shirley  - http://dailyshirley.com/

ZINKAAAA!!

This summer I’m all about smudgey eyeliner on the go, shimmery gold on my cheeks and Zinka zinc oxide on my nose. The zinc may come as a bit of  surprise but seriously, I’d rather be safe than sexy, and sunburns can kill! Boo has been making fun of me, calling me “ghost nose” and “jeff spicoli,” but I think that this zinc makes me look fun and sporty. Wearing zinc on one’s nose is a wonderful way to make sure that your personality outshines your looks. I hate to admit it, but sometimes I can get pretty quiet, socially. Having a cute smear of zinc on my nose gets me noticed and forces me to make sure that I show people that I’m more than just a zinc-ey face: I’m also charming, witty and flirty. 

p.s.

It also comes in fun shades of: Blue, Black, Army Green,White, Orange, Red, and Yellow!!!!

Tags: Zinka

BYE-BYE KITTY, WTF KITTY!

I’ve always been a fan of Hello Kitty for it’s delightfully, saccharine, feminine slant, but this barrette might be taking it a bit too far! WTF Kitty? This hair piece is so girly it makes me look like I have Man Face. I wish I could be more kind about it, but this barrette is a disgrace.

Tags: Hello Kitty

Laurel Canyon Country Store.

Alicia Silverstone screamed at me for wearing this at the Laurel Canyon Country store this morning… Hey, Licie, you stomped away faster than I could say “I’d rather go naked than wear fur, but I thought it didn’t count if it was vintage?”

I woke up feeling so energetic, but now I feel embarrassed. :(

OUCHIE!!!!

So sorry I’ve been gone but as you can see, I’ve succumbed to a bit of an injury. Without getting into details, let’s just say that an intoxicated man at Barney’s Beanery may have tried to caress my collar and I may have tried to punch him in the, uh. .  .pillows… but I may have missed and hit the wall instead. I’ve been telling people I sprained a toe while dancing, but what is having a blog for, if not honesty? Well the lesson of my day was: having  a temper can hurt, both literally and figuratively. I’m terrified of having a scar (when it comes to legs, there’s Tina Turner, and then there’s Maddy), but if it happens, I’ll consider it an opportunity to bring out my inner Padma Lakshmi. 

ALI(IEN)MENTS

Pardon me, but am I the only lady out there who thought Dwayne Wade was that guy on “A Different World” who had the flip eyeglasses and was in love with Jasmine Guy? Needless to say, my house has felt like an NBA locker room ever since the playoffs started, and I had to get away from Boo and his boys for a little lady time. Thank god for my friend M* and her out of this world Futuro guest house, (designed by Finnish genius Matti Suuronen) in LC! We had a little too much fun drinking ‘tinis (that were anything but teeny), and I woke up with a splitting headache in her back yard with a bit of a booty ache that came from who knows what. I definitely danced my a$$ off, but some ail(ien)ments are better left un-probed.

*I don’t like to name drop but let’s just say she may have been nominated for an Oscar in the last decade, and she may or may not have frenched George Clooney at his villa in Lake Como

G WORD

Sooo, I know, I know, these espadrilles are too big for me. Well, that’s because they were not meant to be worn by me. They were a surprise long weekend pressie from me for my Boo, but he didn’t want to wear them because he said they made him look… Oh my gosh. I can’t even say it, I was so offended… Let’s just say it starts with a “G” and it’s not a bad word (some of my best friends are it, and for a short mojito soaked summer in 2003, I was it as well). Girlfriends of the blogosphere, I want to hear your thoughts! Does your man think these gender neutral slip ons are a testosterone depleting sham? Or perhaps he attended a university that wasn’t a Big Ten school and he’s got the style and the confidence to say “I’m an espadrille wearing man.”

Tags: Gay Philip Lim

ACE

The other day, Boo and I hit the high road for Palm Springs, and we had the time of our lives! We lived it large at the Ace Hotel, the week before Memorial Day, intentionally beating the long weekend crowds. It was so fun having the run of the place to ourselves, except for a couple of, can I just say it, ruuude German tourists. Now, I might not look like I spreche the Deutsches  but alls I wanna to say to those filthy frauleins is: Iche kenne dich uber mich sprachen. So, sorry if Boo and my’s collar-off-white-party felt a little verbotten, but you ought to fix those wandering eyes and p.s., your English is broken. 

Tags: Ace Hotel

JUST JD SAMSON AND ME(n)

JD Samson is all about making herself heard, be it musically (Le Tigre/MEN) or politically (her recent article in the Huffington Post shed a bright light on the harsh reality of being an extremely successful yet fiscally unstable artist). She’s a feminist, an activist and a dear, dear friend. I was lucky enough to get to lounge by her side for a bit last week when she was in town playing at the Echoplex! Here’s a snippet of our super private convo… 

1. I’m loving your moustache… What do you think about my beard?

Ever since i met you, i have aspired to grow facial hair so incredibly matched for my facial features. i’m not sure how you do it, but your sculpting is beautiful. a work of art.  

2. Stone wash or tie dye? Why?

things have changed for me in the past 6 months. i was all about tie dye last summer, but i must confess to stonewashing my levi’s not more than 2 weeks ago. perhaps its just a mood disorder. but i’m flip flopping all over the place.  

3. If you and I were stuck on a desert island and could only play one game, what would it be?

For sure follow the leader. lord knows i’d love to follow in your footsteps. 

4. If we got matching tattoos what would they be?

Probably some kind of conceptual evolutionary design that reflects on the personification of animals and the animalization of humans. 

5. This is a two part question… I’ve been called a fascist by some of my human friends whenever I demand that we stand up and rise up against the legally accepted form of ritualized, daily violent trespassing that takes place whenever a mail person has the audacity to enter upon my property and throw unwanted paper at my place of rest. Do you agree with my view of mail people or do you dare to side with those thoughtless humans who are against me? What could the chorus to my Postman (or woman) Protest song be like? 

I try to be accepting of all people. everyone needs to make money to survive. and perhaps the mail person isn’t aware of how they are intruding into your day. i hear your frustrations, but i think you should try and create peace between the oppressors. if that doesn’t work, a song would be the best ammunition for your revolution. and the song of course will be… 

"we read the news on the internet, recycle the paper don’t throw it at pets" 

6. If you lived in Laurel Canyon in the 1960’s who would you hang out with and why?

I’m sure my best friends would be the flora and the fauna for sure. maybe the birds. not the byrds. but of course the one human that would center me would be the wonderful, joni mitchell. 

7. Has anyone ever told you that you remind them of a brunette, lady Ryan Gosling? I’m not hitting on you, but just wondering, whatcha doin’ after?

No actually, they haven’t. but i’m loving the idea of rescuing you from a fight with another pup, or even from an automobile moving quickly in your direction. let’s go to the beach. 

ALEXANDER McQUEEN

I’m proud to be a bearded lady, I’m proud to be a dog, I’m proud of what I’ve got, but. .  Nothing has ever made wish I had fingers more than this Alexander McQueen Faithful Leather Glove Clutch. 

P.S. Miss ya