Published in BEAT magazine (aka my fav)
My name is Maddy. I’m a dog. I live in LA. I’m really into music and fashion. I have a blog (which is how I got to Beat), but right now I’m working on a screenplay. I’m basically a furry, four-legged mix of Diablo Cody and Andre Leon Talley. Werk.
OK. If you’re cool and caught up with what’s hot right now, let’s play word association! I’m throwing you the key clues: “Babes” and “Fukin-A-awesome.” If you’re as with it as you say you are, you best have busted out “BLEACHED”. Sisters Jennifer and Jesse Clavin are slaying it these days with their awesome garage punk sound and a full length album, Ride Your Heart , is coming out next month. I basically want to go to bed and get woken up in April. When I found out that I was getting the opportunity to hang out with the Clavin sisters for a whole day, I was simply elated. Being punk is about doing whatever you like and dressing however you want to and ever since I saw that Spring/Summer ‘13 is trying to slap us with floral print coolats masquerading as Bermuda Shorts and “peekaboo pieces” (dresses with with pieces cut out that look like they were the main course at an all-you-can-eat-if-you’re-a-moth buffet), I’ve been saying “hey high fashion: up yours and NO WAY.” Check me out, I’m getting more and more punk every day! Jennifer and Jesse are true California girls, who had their beginnings growing up in the Valley, so I thought what better way to spend the day then taking a mini staycation vacation cruising some of THEIR favorite spots in LA!
ET Mountain Park
First stop on our trip around LA was in the Valley, to the park across the street from the house Jennifer and Jesse grew up in, which just so happens to be a major location in the movie E.T.! I decided to celebrate my innermost extra terrestrial self by dressing up as the classic “E.T. On Halloween” costume: a clean white sheet with two eye cut outs. Not to pat my method acting self on the back, but I kind of have a few words for Steven Speilberg: “Next time you wanna phone home, think about phoning Maddy.”
I really loved being in the Valley, cause Jesse and Jennifer are self professed Valley Girls. When I asked them how they would describe a girl from the Valley, they said:
Jennifer: We say things like “I feel like” or “oh cool” or “like, like” and you don’t realiese it until someone else points it out.
Jesse: There’s also like a laziness when you talk. We know this because people have explained it to us. You reaaaaally draaaag out your words.”
OK the name of this clothing shop is totally filled with irony because this place is for real punk, and there are Doc Martens as far as the eye can see. Jennifer and Jesse brought me there specifically to drool over the new Agy Creeper shoes designed by model Agyness Deyn. To my delight, Posers employed a salesgirl with a really bad attitude and a huge mohawk. Of course I was totally terrified of her but also loved her because she totally reminded me of this girl in junior high school who was really mean to me but was also my best friend. I’m thinking I may go back another day to window shop and to have her never acknowledge me. It’s this new thing that I’ve been wanting to do ever since I started feeling kind of famous-y.
In front of Guitar Center in Hollywood they have all these musician’s hand prints and signatures set in cement. I put my paws in with the girls’ hands right smack on top of Motley Crue! Bleached are huge fans of Motley Crue. Personally, I’m a huge fan of “Dr. Feelgood” but I don’t want to go into details of the damage done to my Dell computer after a no good ex-boo of mine tried to download some home movies of Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee. Let’s just say I’ve been a strict Mac girl ever since 2003.
Oki Dog was a famous punk hang out in the 70s and 80s made somewhat infamous by The Germs lead singer Darby Crash’s famous last words (on his last live album, recorded three days before he died), where he yells “See you all at Oki Dogs.” Full disclosure: we actually weren’t allowed inside of Oki Dogs, but that’s totally fine because this article is a lifestyle thing, not a food thing. Which is good news for Oki Dogs because I don’t think they would want to hear my gastronomical review of their famous Oki Dog (chili, cheese, pastrami and two hot dogs wrapped in a flour tortilla). Ick. Sounds like a recipe commemorating 4/20 made by a stoned-out-of-his-gourd Guy Fieri. Fun Fact: One day while Jennifer was standing outside Oki Dog with her best friend, they suddenly saw this old woman who had randomly run out of the Country Villa Wilshire Health Care Centre across the street and her friend was like, “Oh my God… That’s my Grandmother.”
So if someone was ever like, “I wish you were dead” I’d be like, “I wish I was too,” if I could be at the Hollywood Forever Cemetary.” Sorry for the morbid turn, but
1. It’s inevitable. We’re talking about a cemetery
2. The Hollywood Forever Cemetery is so not freaky it’s scary.
Seriously you guys, it’s a good thing that when it comes to the Clavin sisters “wherever they go, I will follow” ‘cause there basically isn’t anyone else on earth who could convince me to go to a cemetery, but at this point I am so in friend love with Jesse and Jennifer they could have said “let’s go join a cult” and I would have been like “how much money do I pony up and can we please be sister wives if I join it?” So we went to go find Johnny Ramone’s monument, which was super beautiful, and made me totally miss him. Then we stumbled upon the most amazing, surprising buried treasure (pun intended): Toto from The Wizard of Oz was totally tucked away in a peaceful corner of the cemetery! Now I can honestly say “I have stepped on Fay Wray.”
So this is where the sisters Clavin brought me after about the 1,000th time I said “those glasses, your glasses, or wherever did you get them?” LA Eyeworks is a total Los Angeles staple and totally punk in the sense that they are worn by those who totally march to the beat of their own drummers. Their serious specs have such mesmerising monikers as “Ham Pants” and “The Sontag”; it’s no mystery why such high profile personalities like Pee Wee Herman and Jodi Foster are looking to LA Eyeworks to set their sights straight. Never in my life have I so desperately wanted to be rid of my 20/20 vision. Seriously, I’m all over these shades to protect my powers of perception. They got me looking so good, if Ryan Gosling ever runs into me he’ll probably pop the question.
So Jennifer wanted to take me to Hugo’s ‘cause they have the best vegan soft-serve ice cream that’s practically sugar free. At first I freaked that Jen was trying to tell me something she thought I didn’t already know (I’ve put on a little bacon weight lately, sue me), but then I found out she feels crazy on the sugar. Full disclosure: Jennifer Clavin is so nice she let me a have a lick of her ice cream, which I would have never let her do if it was my cone because I think sharing ice cream is totally creepy. We’re barely two hours into our day, and I’ll already admit that the Bleached girls might be better people than me!
Nothing in Los Angeles is more iconic than the Hollywood sign, so of course when it came to spots in LA, this one was so obvi. Since we were doing such a touristy thing that was so fun and not your typical “look at me, I’m cool” move, I decided to ask Jesse and Jennifer about another not terribly cool but totally fun thing: Celebrity Sightings! Now, I’m a fashionable dog, so of course I’m not going to go and ask for an autograph or stare, BUT sometimes it’s fun to drop your cool and talk about brushes with celebrity! I’ll go first: one time, Q-Tip from A Tribe Called Quest, told me that I had beautiful energy. Here are some highlights:
Jesse & Jennifer: We saw Pierce Brosnan on the street of New York. And we were like, Mrs. Doubtfire!
Jennifer: When I was a kid, one of my best friends from elementary school used to live next door to Elvira so me and my friend would go swimming in her pool, and her pool was shaped like a heart and there was a cave attached to it, and she was actually, like, the most beautiful lady I’d ever seen. She was a redhead and so pale and wearing the coolest bathing suit. And she sold her house to Brad Pitt so we would go trick or treating but we never got to the door - he just buzzed it.
Jesse: I met George Burns because they were trying to set our grandma Dot up with him. Our mom’s friend was his caretaker/personal assistant and they got set up on a date. I remember going into his office. I remember him walking down the staircase and he was really old and fragile.
Jesse: You know who I saw at Whole Foods the other day? One of the Hobbits. The one who had to sing that song during that scene where there’s a big war scene and he’s singing that song to the guy eating the chicken?
I have no idea who that Hobbit is but right now I am so like wishing that my last name was Clavin!
Fo’ sho the biggest record store in LA. They do in-stores so bands play there to get seen and heard. And guessss whaaaaat? Bleached is playing there in the Spring! Jesse used to work in the warehouse. Oh, and while we’re on the topic of music, Bleached has a favourite new band, their new friends and former tour mates, Veronica Falls, (“They are SO good. They’re REALLY good.”). Other favorite bands the girls listed as favorites: Siouxise and the Banshees, The Cure, Gunclub and The Kinks. Honestly, at this point, we have so much in common I’m starting to have trouble seeing where I end and the Clavin sisters begin.
When you hear “Mulholland drive”, you probably think of Naomi Watts and Laura Harring kissing, but when I hear Mulholland Drive, I think of the long winding road that goes from Beverly Hills to Hollywood (and Naomi Watts and Laura Harring kissing). Jennifer told me, “When we were younger our dad would drive us home from LA to the Valley and he would take Mulholland and he would drive so fast that we would be, like, flying. We’d be in the air.” It’s no joke. I’m not really the kind of dog that gets too much anxiety, but going down Mulholland at anything even slightly over the speed limit makes me need to take some extra Herbal Rescue Remedy.
This place in Echo Park specialises in tarot reading, aura reading, past lives, clairvoyant readings, chakra balancing and reiki healing, among many other things. Jesse is the one that totally digs this place, but I didn’t ask her why because I was trying to see if I could tap into my own powers of intuition. In the 80s everyone had a dealer, but in 2013, if you live in LA, you most likely have a healer. They also sell crystals and sage sticks which you can burn in your home to clear out bad energy, which works especially well on the days when I want to show my Boo that I’m annoyed with him and would rather not talk about things but deal with them very passive aggressively. Oops, I meant to say spiritually. Bad on me!
Some important bullet points about IN & OUT
• It’s this epic fast food burger chain that is so totally California (I think you can only get it here and in four other states).
• The sole heiress to the In & Out fortune is a 30-year-old competitive drag racer named Lynssi Torres, who is currently married to husband #3 (and I will support any company led by a person who should be the inspiration for a Tina Fey or Amy Poehler movie)
• Ask for fries Animal Style: two slices of melted cheese, thousand island dressing and grilled onions on top (it’s not listed on the menu)
• They don’t have any horse in their meat, which by European standards, I hear is pretty sweet (too soon?)
When the day came to an end, I found myself actually feeling sad. Ever since our epic Los Angles road trip, I might just use Bleached’s own words and say “I’ve been dreaming about the facts/ wishing more time could pass…” I hope that Jesse and Jennifer won’t tell me I’m crazy.
Bleached Video - HERE